{AND WHILE THEY WERE SLEEPING, I STARTED LOSING}

"For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." (Matthew 16:25)

i hate to sound like some kind of broken record with post after post of something like, " today was a rough day", but i said i would be real. the kids are fine, the husbands fine, everybody's fine.... too bad "fine" is not the goal here. i struggled today. kinda from the time i woke up i struggled. i had a plan. a good one. i even let go of perfect, planned homeschool, packed lunches for the babies and my boo, and all while my fridge was all out of order and my homeschool materials were completely disorganized (talk about none perfect conditions), so i pretty much chalked today up to a darned done deal. I EVEN WOKE UP BEFORE THE LIL'S AND THE LADY. i was sure that today was gonna be a great day. 

my baby girl slept in a bit and the boys were occupied by all of the crisp blank sheets of paper and all of the brand new markers we just scored on sale at target the other day. so i figured i would print out a few of the worksheets i snagged for this weeks "all about plants" lesson for homeschool and then get started. this is when things become a bit of a blurrrr...

for some reason i couldn't seem to get myself together. my thoughts together, my plans together. i said a quick hello to jesus right after i woke up this morning (which clearly wasn't nearly enough) because i just kept feeling disheveled. i can't really explain my thoughts during this time but it was a lot of nothing. i was irritated, angry, couldn't figure out what to do next, frustrated, where do we go today?, what exactly should we do today?, does any of it really matter. it was a terrible feeling. and it kept going on. 

i tried calling BDH, and he had a few suggestions and kind words to toss my way. i made a few appointments and returned a few phone calls and began to feel slightly "accomplished". i was able to press play on a random podcast.... joyce meyer, of course (because she seems to be one i can relate my craziness to the most). 

what an unstable feeling when you step into deeper levels of trusting God. a clear nudge to start losing it (it, meaning my plans and my way) and start finding him. kinda like a two finger grip on the last hand left holding on to a tight rope wayyyyyy to high in the air. i have to let go. and i know the net is there. but its still scary. either way, losing my plans and my way is a must and today was a very pivotal point on that journey for me. 

so glad that i believe in a God whose plan for my life far exceeds what I could ever think or imagine. if only i start losing my life for his sake, then i will find the life he has for me. 

from syreena, with love