FINDING JOY IN THIS JOURNEY \\ A QUESTION I NEVER ANSWER & HOW HE GAVE ME A DREAM INSTEAD...
the end of january i got to spend a night away with my boo and to say it was needed would serve as a gross understatement. it was such a surprise. i had no idea. and, up until this time away, i’d been struggling to find the joy in this journey… or i should say, this dream of thefallco, thefallcofamily, thefallcocreative that HE gave me, i’ve been struggling to find the joy and KEEP IT. struggling to keep the wind in my sail. forever feeling like i’m climbing a mountain with a summit barely in sight. this night away felt like coming up for air. it felt as if the fog had lifted high enough that i could see a tiny bit further down the road ahead… i could have cried!
i got to spend the night cozy and cuddled up in bed next to towering windows with a jaw dropping view of the ocean… the waves soft and silent, the horizon stretching near and far all at the same time. i got to write, dream, plan, breathe, and heart-storm a vision for 2021 that just hours before had felt so distant. answering comments and emails, i scrolled pass a question that i never answer. a question that brought about so much pain, frustration and disappointment in the past. a question that has evolved over time….
are you pregnant?!? will there be a baby #4 ?!?!? are you done having kids?!?!? a question that i’ve learned to answer in the way i feel most comfortable, at times that I feel most comfortable, to whom i feel the most comfortable, and most of the time that’s my own 7 year old child, lol… “well, HE gave me a dream instead!”
just a few pictures in a few squares to help me tell a story of that one time we went away…
there was something about the view from the twenty-fifth floor that offered up a chance to take a few moments to consider thoughts and feelings that i simply had no time for back at home. i took that time to allow myself to check in with the thoughts that i’d been thinking and the results that they were creating in my life lately. the plan is not to bore you with the negativity of an unhealthy thought life but rather to lead you to my conclusion… to change them!!! i thought back on a conversation that the kids and i had not too long ago and it made me consider something i hadn’t quite considered before…
i’d overheard the kids taking turns sharing how many kids they will have when they get married and start a family of their own. lady jumps somewhere between five and eight, while bear is set at a firm two and then there is poppa who has been a consistent number four; two boys, two girls each time. “mommy, you wanted four too, right?!” somehow i made my way into the conversation. “i sure did! mommy wanted two boys and two girls.” while this is a story that could be expanded upon, maybe at a later date, i jumped excitedly right into the conversation with these words… ‘the LORD blessed me with three beautiful humans and then HE gave me a dream instead.’
i went on to share the story of each of their births.
i shared the joy and corresponding exhaustion that came along with caring for them as babies. like, desperation type of exhaustion and i spared them no details, bc i believe in speaking the truth w/ love. there were lots of wide eyes followed by roaring laughter when i recalled stressful breastfeeding moments, housekeeping w/ a baby carrier almost permanently attached, potty training, sleepless nights and allergy woes. of course there was some sort of reenactment here and there bc i’m extra, lol.
afterwards, i shared more about this dream of ours. about how special it has been to infuse imagination and creativity into the fabric of our days. sometimes, i wonder if their inner dialogue ever includes thoughts like '“what is this woman even talking about”, but i’m almost always quickly reminded of how excited they are to soak it all up and take it all in.
they jump right in to ‘dream’ right along with me. they share stories of how they’ve been ‘connecting the dots’ lately, stories of how they feel like this fallcofamily that we’ve created HAS TO BE GOD’S PURPOSE FOR OUR LIVES and MUST BE THE PLAN THAT HE HAS FOR US. we leave these conversations feeling even more connected than the moments just before and it always feels so magical to me.
as i thought back on those moments sharing more about this dream of ours and why i see thefallcofamily as the dream HE laid in my heart… instead, my attention was set on that fourth ‘baby’… that joy and corresponding exhaustion and how it was the very analogy that i needed at that very moment. just as i’ve pushed past any frustrations, disappointments and pain that came along with my three beautiful babies before, purposing to steward each one of their hearts/minds, this fourth baby of mine requires a very similar type of care. to steward the dream in our hearts/minds trusting HE knows the plan…
so that night, answering comments and emails i scrolled past a question that i never answered. a question that brought about so much pain, frustration and disappointment in the past. a question that had evolved over time. a question that i’ve learned to answer in the way i feel most comfortable, at times that I feel most comfortable, to whom i feel the most comfortable, I learned a a bit more about this dream that HE has given me instead. “to educate and inspire a life in pursuit of a true education” was all i was given that night away. it was a more clear and concise picture than i had been previously given before.
and, it was enough!
thank you, baby... for breathing new life into my dreamers heart. thank you... for helping me push past the disappointment that years before us might have left behind. thank you... for reminding me that the sun rises and sets another day! grateful for your love... the love that’s lifted me 🥰❤️
with all the love,
syreena